After a long hiatus, I'm back. Who would've thought that insulting Jeff Gordon, former President Bush, and Magic Johnson in former posts would result in multiple lawsuits? Anyway, it's time tackle an issue that has haunted me for years- middle school- that terrible purgatory of body changes (not the good ones), the first taste of relationships, popularity, and if you're me, arson. Now that I'm far removed from those years, I can begin to look back and dissect the experiences that would shape who I am now. I also have family and friends who have kids getting to be the right age for middle school (unfortunately most of these people drank and smoked entirely too much pot to have normal kids, so I still have some time) and feel it is my duty to warn them of one thing- you're minute decisions concerning preparing your kids for middle school will have long-lasting consequences on your children. But never fear! I have a few tips that should make those years go a little smoother- unless your kid sucks. That's your genes in those 98 pounds of awkwardness, so I say blame your spouse and get a divorce like a good American.
1) The School Supplies Your Kid Brings To School Determines His/Her Position on the Popularity Chart
It's so clear that I can't believe I'm only now seeing it. For me in the good old 90s, it was the Trapper Keeper that was the unspoken symbol of coolness. In today's society, kids probably can't have these, because it's a great place to hide their guns (Thanks NRA!), but in the 90s, everybody who was anybody had one, complete with folders that also determined how many ass kickings and snickers one would receive from fellow classmates. When it came to Trapper Keepers (or Trappers, if you were a pre-pubescent male teen who found all code words for "vagina" hilarious), there were 3 groups that one could find themselves in- 1) Cool Trappers, 2) Crappy Trappers, and 3) Did Not Own a Trapper.
Cool Trappers
These are pretty wide-spread. They didn't have a plastic cover, and didn't feature athletes or popular icons that were cool 10 years ago. Most were plain but decorated (if a girl owned it) or scribbled on. They didn't fall apart by week 2, and fit nicely under the arm in between classes. The ones you didn't notice were the cool ones. Here's a test- if your kid wants a Trapper that makes you cringe at the checkout, just throw that fucker out and grab one that doesn't bring shame on your family. Your kid will thank you in 10 years. A plain Trapper means your kid is going to be one of the many, blending in with the crowd. In middle school, this is huge. I'll go into why later.
Crappy Trappers
These are everything that aren't in the above list. A crappy Trapper means your kid will get laughed at, and if its a boy, probably the occasional ass beating after class. I've seen it happen. Hell, I've cheered it on. It sends a clear message- my family can afford one of these, but my shitty taste is on full display for your viewing pleasure. These usually are full of folders with unicorns, terrible bands, or sports teams that a mockery on the cover. Here a few examples:
 | |
| The horse on the cover isn't helping your kid that probably has head gear and pig tails. |
 |
| Sure that dragon seems cool. But you might as well buy that kid a Magic: The Gathering card set and prepare your basement to look like an apartment so its ready when your kid turns 22. |
 |
| A common mistake. A parent thinks "Sports! This is cool." Not so fast. Students see "His Mom bought this at Aldi," |
Hopefully, these are enough examples.
Did Not Own a Trapper
God help the poor bastards that fell into this category. There's only one word to describe these losers- poor. And really, poor is the worst descriptor a kid could have thrown their way in middle school. The classic taunts of high school don't fit yet. Sex isn't a reality yet (everyone talks about it, but they talk about it like high schoolers talk about booze, with little understanding.), and the usual groups of stereotypes such as stoners, jocks, and emo kids haven't been established at this point. But middle school students recognize poor. These are the kids that will go on to drop out, have kids way too early, or become reclusive in a "I'm gonna burn this school down" way.
 |
| Columbine security footage. Not pictured: Trapper Keepers. I rest my case. |
Now I'm sure Trapper Keepers aren't the cool thing anymore. So my advice is this- as a parent, find out what is the cool thing. And for the love of God, spend the money.
2) Fashion
This hasn't and will not change. It's much more difficult to get a handle on. Hell, I didn't get it then, and I sure don't now. But for a middle school student that doesn't go to a private school, this is huge. Now I'm going to avoid the easy pitfalls, because fashion is ever-changing, so hair styles and overall fashion sense is tough to corner. But middle school is the first time that most kids begin to express some sense of individualism. And the differences between the cool kids and the losers are vast. For me, it was the start of wearing t-shirts with bands such as Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, and Korn (I'm embarrassed about the last one, so let's just move on). This really hasn't changed. But there are a few rules to be aware of when it comes to t-shirts:
Rule #1- Bands and TV Shows are ok, but there is a line
It's fairly simple. Classic bands are always cool. The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, etc. All are ok. Current bands are tricky. I would avoid any bands that draw particular attention for sucking. Boy bands, pop stars, country stars, etc. Sure, your kid might love the Biebs, but don't ever let her wear a shirt that advertises that. Not cool. And if you have a boy who loves Biebs, just start the beatings now.
 |
| If your kid asks to wear this shirt or something like it, just "Casey Anthony" that little shit now. America will thank you. |
Rule #2- Coats are a status symbol
Remember the kids who had shitty winter jackets? Were they friends with you? Me neither. They were the kids that didn't wear deodorant, sat alone at lunch, and was picked last for every gym activity. Winter jackets aren't cool, but having a crappy one reiterates the poorness factor. In my day, it was the NFL pullover jackets. Everyone had one, including me. I also had a Limp Bizkit-esque fluffy jacket, but fuck you, I was 14 and too stupid to see the eventual downfall.
 |
| Pictured: the last time Fred Durst mattered. |
But even a crap ass coat like the one Fred Durst wore didn't affect my popularity. I had a jacket that wasn't found in the bargain bin at K-Mart or stolen from a Coat Drive. And that was enough. Be aware, parents. Pennies pinched might be the start of your kids addiction to hard drugs, as that's one of the quickest ways back up the social ladder in high school.
Rule #3- Dressing too nice is suicide
Does your kid love wearing dresses or dress clothes all of the time? Be afraid. It's not cool to dress like you're 30 when you're 14. Unless its for a dance. But even then, it's a tough sell to go all out. Forget about the preppy clique in high school, that will come. For now, middle school is all about casual. Avoid khakis, button-up shirts, and dear God, a tie or a dinner jacket screams "Kick the shit out of my kid, please."
 | ||
| I guarantee he's playing catch with a slab of concrete. Or his imaginary friend. |
I've been picking on poor people, but the filthy rich are just as bad when you are in middle school. Sure, your kid will hang out with that kid, and why not? His Mom has a never-ending supply of Pizza Bagels and Mt. Dew and they get the channels you won't let your kids watch, but if shit goes down, that kid is dead in the water. Dressing too nice screams "my life is better than yours" to your kid's fellow classmates, and that results in a lot of mental and emotional anguish. Because all middle school students, without realizing it, are middle-class. Stray outside of that in any way, and life gets much tougher. So be aware.
3) Make That Lazy Bastard Walk to School
This is the final piece of advice I have to give. Your kid is in middle school. He/she hates you already. Especially in public. You aren't cool. So why pile on and make your kid suffer the embarrassment of dropping him/her off at school? It's torture. I was fortunate to have a good group to walk with every day. I'm still friends with a few of those bastards today. Your kid will have a crucial chance to be a part of a group at the start of middle school, and that is key to getting through those years. Don't ruin it because of a little rain or snow. It's also acceptable for that kid to take the bus or ride with an older sibling. But I can tell you, as one of the ones snickering at the nerd when Mommy hugged her little man outside of the school, that dropping your kid off at school and picking them up is the easiest way to wreck their lives.
Middle school is tough for your kid. The guys have acne for the first time, random boners, and funny feelings for someone else for the first time. The girls have it even worse, with major body changes, and the pressure to emerge from their cocoon of awkwardness as a beauty with brains. The deck is stacked against your kid already. Don't make it worse by making decisions that will destroy any shred of hope they have to be cool. And if your kid sets fire to his garage with his buddies because there was a gas can and a lighter so why not, go easy on him.
