Wreck It Ralph, Video Games, and I'm Officially Old Balls

  

Unless you hate television, I'm sure you've seen the previews for the new movie "Wreck It Ralph" about a video game villain who gets fed up being the villain and attempts to jump platforms to be the hero in another game.  Regardless of how good the movie actually will be, the commercials are pretty damn funny.  I laugh out loud every time the short segment featuring Ralph at a "villains anonymous" meeting runs, and I pause the television to point out how many video game villains I can name (the answer is 6, which probably means I'm not a "hardcore gamer").  The photo above is the scene I commonly pause. This movie will be getting my hard-earned money once it hits theaters, but the experience will be bittersweet.  It's forced me to accept a few things about life: 1) Video Games today suck ass,  2) This movie is aimed at my generation, and 3) Point 2 means I'm old balls now.  Let me explain:

1) Video Games Today Suck Ass

For me, this is heaven.

As someone who was born in the mid-80s, its safe to say that I grew up in the greatest years of in-home video game systems ever.  I can already hear your arguments against me, but give me a chance to make my case.  My first real memories of video game playing was with my Nintendo.  I started with a rather pathetic collection of games- 10 Yard Fight, Castlevania, Mario Bros. and Top Gun.  But then one magical day, I found the 2 games that would change my life and take up many hours of my precious youth: R.B.I. Baseball 2 and Tecmo Bowl.  Now, I'm a huge White Sox and Chicago Bears fan.  But I played with 2 teams back in those days- the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco 49ers.  Had I known that each time Canseco went yard I was basically advocating for pill-popping, I might have been less excited.  But I was 7, so fuck you.  And who could stop Jerry Rice?  No one, that's who.  But eventually, I got a little older, and my expectations in what a video game should be went higher.  I "graduated" to the Sega Genesis.  And life just got more awesome.  Seriously, go play Sonic: The Hedgehog and try not to smile.  What about NFL '95 and the ability to talk trash?  Yeah, that was awesome.  Who needs friends when you can smash the "B" button and talk shit to Brett Favre as he tries to get up after suffering his 8th sack in the 1st Quarter? This guy.  Sure, I had my brother, but he quickly grew tired of my shouting at the television, breaking controllers (seriously, I went through at least 8), and victory dances after hours of struggling to defeat each stage of Mortal Kombat.  This was life, and I was living it, one hour at a time. 

Of course, there were always those who had the newest systems.  There are a few memories that stick out in my mind from growing up where each moment was remembered in full clarity- riding a bike for the first time, sneaking out for the first time, my first crush, and the first time I played a Sony Playstation.  My cousin, Matt, had one, and I remember my excitement as we placed the NFL Gameday cd into the tray and waited 20 minutes for that damn game to load.  Now, I get pissed after waiting for 3 minutes for my PS3 to load, but back then, it was entertaining to watch the load screen.  I distinctly remember Nascar '98.  We would load the 2 player race with a full field, then one of us would turn our car around, drive headfirst into the field of cars, and let the mayhem ensue.  To this day, I can't hear Molly Hatchet's "Flirting with Disaster" without the memories flooding back (a song on that game's soundtrack).  At some point, I finally got my own Playstation, but nothing ever came close to those nights chugging Mountain Dew and wrecking into Jeff Gordon, because Jeff Gordon is a dbag who is too pretty for Nascar.  Maybe flipping his car 5 times in one race will knock his ass down a peg.  

Fuck. This. Guy.

And I'm breezing over the Super Mario Kart tournaments, but you get my point.  Today we have the advent of on-line gaming.  And on-line gaming is fun, no doubt.  But then the game ends, you take off your headset, and realize that you're alone and life sucks.  You aren't sitting with friends in the same room.  You're sitting in your underwear eating cheetos, getting fatter, and pretending that these are your friends.  And you're 25 and still playing these games.  Seriously, how many 12-14 year olds are really spending hours online playing WOW?  Not many.  They are too busy with their real-life friends.  Sure, there are incredible graphics, but the amount of games that I can play over and over with the same amount of enjoyment has dwindled to about 3 games.  My video game playing has become a masturbatory practice of yelling at Madden or MLB The Show and then making some managerial moves to increase the value of my team and then turning on CNN to see if the world has ended yet.  It's just not the same, but Wreck It Ralph represents a time when video games were the shit, and we were actually and truly blown away with each game we played.  Except "Bible Adventures."  If you owned that game, you got your ass kicked on principle.

2 (and 3) ) This Movie is Aimed At My Generation

But this movie drives home a fact of life that I'm not quite ready to face yet- I'm old.  How do I know this? Because the "inside jokes" that this movie contains are meant for me and those who grew up in my generation.  Dammit.  This can only mean one thing- the people making this movie are aiming the story and the animation at my CHILDREN but are inserting jokes that I will get that so that I also enjoy the movie.  It's what got out parents through Shrek, Toy Story, and every other PIXAR-esque film we made them take us to.  So watching the commercials (and eventually this movie) will be bittersweet for me.  I will laugh at the references, because I'm meant to get them, but in doing so, the last pieces of my childhood will be gone.  I will open my eyes to see the 4 and 5 year olds that have no idea what is so funny, but those pretty colors are crack for their stupid little minds.  How can I leave the theater and even pretend that I'm not much closer to death than these little bastards?  Call it a quarter-life crisis if you must, but if it hasn't happened to you yet, it will.  You're in that crappy middle of "young enough to get away with being a dumbass" and "too old to be accepted at the bars after midnight."  You're the man/woman who can be at the bars technically, but you're a creepass if you aren't with a high school reunion group or a bachelor/bachelorette party.  And if this doesn't drive my point home, then try this little experiment.  Go talk to someone younger than 23 at the bar.  See how long you can go without saying something about "real estate," giving advice by saying "learn from my mistakes," yawning, or shaking your head at some idiot and saying "how embarrassing."   Because I made fun of people like you when I was 22.  I pointed and laughed and made jokes about the "old balls" in the bar trying to take home a young, unsuspecting moron.  And to be fair, you have your own bar now.  The one without the "Golden Tee" in the corner, Kesha playing on the sound system, and little to no arguments or fights by the patrons.  It's that "quiet" bar that you realize you now enjoy more than that damn dance club.  Yep, welcome to Suckville.  Population: you.   

"You into Melrose Place?"

Not that getting old doesn't have its own brand of awesomeness.  But it requires leaving behind some of the things that you once thought were cool, like trying to be cool and embracing your inner nerd.  Mine will be hanging out with me in the theater, laughing his ass off at childhood video game references, and weeping inside for the youth that is gone.