Middle-School Determines Your Fate- A Warning to Parents

After a long hiatus, I'm back.  Who would've thought that insulting Jeff Gordon, former President Bush, and Magic Johnson in former posts would result in multiple lawsuits? Anyway, it's time tackle an issue that has haunted me for years- middle school- that terrible purgatory of body changes (not the good ones), the first taste of relationships, popularity, and if you're me, arson.  Now that I'm far removed from those years, I can begin to look back and dissect the experiences that would shape who I am now.  I also have family and friends who have kids getting to be the right age for middle school (unfortunately most of these people drank and smoked entirely too much pot to have normal kids, so I still have some time) and feel it is my duty to warn them of one thing- you're minute decisions concerning preparing your kids for middle school will have long-lasting consequences on your children.  But never fear! I have a few tips that should make those years go a little smoother- unless your kid sucks. That's your genes in those 98 pounds of awkwardness, so I say blame your spouse and get a divorce like a good American.

1) The School Supplies Your Kid Brings To School Determines His/Her Position on the Popularity Chart

It's so clear that I can't believe I'm only now seeing it.  For me in the good old 90s, it was the Trapper Keeper that was the unspoken symbol of coolness.  In today's society, kids probably can't have these, because it's a great place to hide their guns (Thanks NRA!), but in the 90s, everybody who was anybody had one, complete with folders that also determined how many ass kickings and snickers one would receive from fellow classmates.  When it came to Trapper Keepers (or Trappers, if you were a pre-pubescent male teen who found all code words for "vagina" hilarious), there were 3 groups that one could find themselves in- 1) Cool Trappers, 2) Crappy Trappers, and 3) Did Not Own a Trapper.

Cool Trappers

These are pretty wide-spread.  They didn't have a plastic cover, and didn't feature athletes or popular icons that were cool 10 years ago.  Most were plain but decorated (if a girl owned it) or scribbled on.  They didn't fall apart by week 2, and fit nicely under the arm in between classes.  The ones you didn't notice were the cool ones. Here's a test- if your kid wants a Trapper that makes you cringe at the checkout, just throw that fucker out and grab one that doesn't bring shame on your family.  Your kid will thank you in 10 years.  A plain Trapper means your kid is going to be one of the many, blending in with the crowd.  In middle school, this is huge.  I'll go into why later.

Crappy Trappers

These are everything that aren't in the above list.  A crappy Trapper means your kid will get laughed at, and if its a boy, probably the occasional ass beating after class. I've seen it happen.  Hell, I've cheered it on.  It sends a clear message- my family can afford one of these, but my shitty taste is on full display for your viewing pleasure.  These usually are full of folders with unicorns, terrible bands, or sports teams that a mockery on the cover.  Here a few examples:

The horse on the cover isn't helping your kid that probably has head gear and pig tails.

Sure that dragon seems cool. But you might as well buy that kid a Magic: The Gathering card set and prepare your basement to look like an apartment so its ready when your kid turns 22.

A common mistake.  A parent thinks "Sports! This is cool." Not so fast.  Students see "His Mom bought this at Aldi,"

Hopefully, these are enough examples. 

Did Not Own a Trapper

God help the poor bastards that fell into this category.  There's only one word to describe these losers- poor.  And really, poor is the worst descriptor a kid could have thrown their way in middle school.  The classic taunts of high school don't fit yet.  Sex isn't a reality yet (everyone talks about it, but they talk about it like high schoolers talk about booze, with little understanding.), and the usual groups of stereotypes such as stoners, jocks, and emo kids haven't been established at this point.  But middle school students recognize poor.  These are the kids that will go on to drop out, have kids way too early, or become reclusive in a "I'm gonna burn this school down" way. 

Columbine security footage.  Not pictured: Trapper Keepers.  I rest my case.

Now I'm sure Trapper Keepers aren't the cool thing anymore.  So my advice is this- as a parent, find out what is the cool thing.  And for the love of God, spend the money. 


2) Fashion

This hasn't and will not change.  It's much more difficult to get a handle on.  Hell, I didn't get it then, and I sure don't now.  But for a middle school student that doesn't go to a private school, this is huge.  Now I'm going to avoid the easy pitfalls, because fashion is ever-changing, so hair styles and overall fashion sense is tough to corner.  But middle school is the first time that most kids begin to express some sense of individualism.  And the differences between the cool kids and the losers are vast.  For me, it was the start of wearing t-shirts with bands such as Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, and Korn (I'm embarrassed about the last one, so let's just move on).  This really hasn't changed.  But there are a few rules to be aware of when it comes to t-shirts:

Rule #1- Bands and TV Shows are ok, but there is a line

It's fairly simple.  Classic bands are always cool.  The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead, etc.  All are ok.  Current bands are tricky.  I would avoid any bands that draw particular attention for sucking.  Boy bands, pop stars, country stars, etc.  Sure, your kid might love the Biebs,  but don't ever let her wear a shirt that advertises that.  Not cool.  And if you have a boy who loves Biebs, just start the beatings now.

If your kid asks to wear this shirt or something like it, just "Casey Anthony" that little shit now.  America will thank you.

Rule #2- Coats are a status symbol

Remember the kids who had shitty winter jackets?  Were they friends with you?  Me neither.  They were the kids that didn't wear deodorant, sat alone at lunch, and was picked last for every gym activity.  Winter jackets aren't cool, but having a crappy one reiterates the poorness factor.  In my day, it was the NFL pullover jackets.  Everyone had one, including me.  I also had a Limp Bizkit-esque fluffy jacket, but fuck you, I was 14 and too stupid to see the eventual downfall.

Pictured: the last time Fred Durst mattered.

But even a crap ass coat like the one Fred Durst wore didn't affect my popularity.  I had a jacket that wasn't found in the bargain bin at K-Mart or stolen from a Coat Drive.  And that was enough.  Be aware, parents.  Pennies pinched might be the start of your kids addiction to hard drugs, as that's one of the quickest ways back up the social ladder in high school. 


Rule #3- Dressing too nice is suicide

Does your kid love wearing dresses or dress clothes all of the time?  Be afraid.  It's not cool to dress like you're 30 when you're 14.  Unless its for a dance.  But even then, it's a tough sell to go all out.  Forget about the preppy clique in high school, that will come.  For now, middle school is all about casual.  Avoid khakis, button-up shirts, and dear God, a tie or a dinner jacket screams "Kick the shit out of my kid, please."

 

 

 

I guarantee he's playing catch with a slab of concrete.  Or his imaginary friend.

I've been picking on poor people, but the filthy rich are just as bad when you are in middle school.  Sure, your kid will hang out with that kid, and why not?  His Mom has a never-ending supply of Pizza Bagels and Mt. Dew and they get the channels you won't let your kids watch, but if shit goes down, that kid is dead in the water.  Dressing too nice screams "my life is better than yours" to your kid's fellow classmates, and that results in a lot of mental and emotional anguish.  Because all middle school students, without realizing it, are middle-class.  Stray outside of that in any way, and life gets much tougher. So be aware.

3) Make That Lazy Bastard Walk to School

This is the final piece of advice I have to give.  Your kid is in middle school.  He/she hates you already.  Especially in public.  You aren't cool.  So why pile on and make your kid suffer the embarrassment of dropping him/her off at school?  It's torture.  I was fortunate to have a good group to walk with every day.  I'm still friends with a few of those bastards today.  Your kid will have a crucial chance to be a part of a group at the start of middle school, and that is key to getting through those years.  Don't ruin it because of a little rain or snow.  It's also acceptable for that kid to take the bus or ride with an older sibling.  But I can tell you, as one of the ones snickering at the nerd when Mommy hugged her little man outside of the school, that dropping your kid off at school and picking them up is the easiest way to wreck their lives.


Middle school is tough for your kid.   The guys have acne for the first time, random boners, and funny feelings for someone else for the first time. The girls have it even worse, with major body changes, and the pressure to emerge from their cocoon of awkwardness as a beauty with brains.  The deck is stacked against your kid already.  Don't make it worse by making decisions that will destroy any shred of hope they have to be cool.  And if your kid sets fire to his garage with his buddies because there was a gas can and a lighter so why not, go easy on him.  

Bayside High Wrecks Lives, Or Why Zach Morris Should Die in a Fire

If you grew up during the 90's, chances are that you tuned in to "Saved By the Bell" from time to time.  Or, if you are like me, EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON.  Seriously, that shit consumed my life for a while.  And who wouldn't love it?  It had gorgeous characters who were basically a PG rated version of "The Breakfast Club."  And high school looked to be kickass.  I would wish I was Zach Morris (because even at the age of nine I recognized that A.C. Slater had issues that he needed to deal with, which I will go into later), dream of Kelly Kapowski, and strive to avoid ever becoming Mr. Belding.  I even remember a time in college when someone in my dorm bought the first few seasons on DVD, and a weekend was spent reliving my childhood through those 4-5 disc sets.

But I've noticed recently that MTV2 has started airing re-runs of "Saved By the Bell." Like any other 27 year-old that lacks a life, I quickly flipped the channel, changed into my "TV-watching pants" (hint: that means "no pants"), grabbed a .40 of malt liquor, and prepared to let the good times roll.  Less than 4 hours later, I was drunk on shitty booze, I had killed the neighbor's dog with my bare hands, and was taking a hate-dump while crying.  How could the makings of a great Thursday night quickly spiral into a bad Stephen King novel, you ask?  Easy, it was the show.  Something was very wrong.  It wasn't the Bayside High I remember.  It sucked, and the people who inhabited this school were the worst of mankind.  It was like someone said "I'm going to make a torture porn, but without the sex, blood, or even death (unless you are counting Screech's chameleon) and set it in a 90s high school." I fear I've lost some of you.  Let me break this down:

The Characters (Assholes, All of Them)

Lisa Turtle

The character of Lisa Turtle was originally written to be a white, Jewish girl.  Seriously.  But I'm guessing that some drunk twentysomething ran into the writer's room screaming "I got it! We just pile on a bunch of different ethnic and racial stereotypes on this one character!"  And the confetti fell from the sky and they all put on their white hoods and grabbed their gas cans to celebrate the idea.  I kid, but it's not THAT much of a stretch.  Lisa was the daughter of 2 surgeons (but America wasn't ready for a Middle-Eastern character yet), she was the gossip queen of Bayside, she was into fashion, wearing the latest trends, and she was stuck up. Oh, and guys couldn't stand her for more than one episode. Seriously, she never had a boyfriend/love interest for more than one episode.

Poor Lisa never had a chance though.  She was relegated to a few minor functions from show to show- 1) making shitty comments to Screech, 2) starting fights between Kelly and Jessie, and 3) making the random fashion comment.  She wasn't really allowed any character growth.  Of course, Zach and Lisa had the one episode where they made out a few times, but like most other men in Lisa's life, this was forgotten as soon as the credits rolled.  This was why I was so confused that she was "too good" for Screech.  How can you continue to berate this poor bastard while never finding a better option?  Ok, she had Jessie's brother in New York to turn to, I guess, but that pipe dream only lasted one episode as well, so what the hell?  Get over yourself and your fashion and accept reality.  Screech may be a dweeb, but he clearly has money.

 

Clearly.

Lisa ended her run with the show with her acceptance to the "Fashion Institute of Technology" (writer code for "Who The Hell Cares University") and a few guest appearances at Zach and Kelly's wedding.  I like to think that she joined up with the Pink Power Ranger and Judy Winslow from "Family Matters" to form the greatest lesbian threesome in the history of porn, but sadly life just can't be that awesome. 

Jessie Spano

Jessie, on the other hand, left little to the imagination after her stint on "Saved By the Bell."  As a daughter of divorced parents, we all saw the train wreck coming.  Or at least we should have.  It seems that she lives with her mother, although we never meet her (a disturbing trend for almost all of the characters of this show), but we DO know that her father runs the Marriott Desert Sands Hotel and eventually gets remarried.  Obviously, the gang doesn't miss an opportunity to go that horror show and shenanigans ensue.

Jessie represents the "liberal" in the show.  She is also the voice of feminism.  But like most 90s takes on feminism, that is represented by an annoying amount of smarts, a need to promote feminism in areas that don't seem to even need such a statement, an eventual breakdown and addiction to caffeine pills (her drive to succeed is obviously trumped by her love of 80s songs, dancing, and emotional breakdowns), and her need to date the one person that represents the exact opposite of a feminist viewpoint. Oh, and she constantly fails in the areas she sets out to achieve (she scores low numbers on her SAT, she loses out to Screech for Valedictorian- but he feels bad and gives it to her, and she constantly jumps in and out of a valley girl complex that is never really explained).  Also, she wrestles with a possible attraction to Zach, but they ultimately decide they are just friends (and win their loved ones back through the power of crappy rapping). 

But the truly unforgivable action of Jessie is her eventual joining of the cheerleading squad.  She states that it will look good on a college transcript.  Who the hell thinks that?  Who the hell has ever thought that?

Oh, Right.

She gets accepted to Columbia University and disappears until Zach and Kelly's wedding.  But we all know the real story.  Obviously Columbia didn't work out, and Jessie was able to use her cheerleading skills to make money in Las Vegas, as a Showgirl.  Rumor has it that the deleted scene where she is getting Eiffel-Towered by two Johns while "I'm So Excited" is playing in the background is a gem of modern film-making.

Samuel "Screech" Powers

This one is almost too easy.  He is the obvious nerd.  Gifted with smarts, and not much else, Screech basically keeps from getting his ass kicked on a daily basis by being Zach's best friend.  And by best friend, I mean doormat.  He is constantly being roped into Zach's shenanigans (seriously, it's like a never-ending, unfunny Ferris Bueller sitcom), and constantly taking the fall for Zach.  His soft spot for his best friend only ends when Zach kisses Lisa.  And to be honest, if you didn't secretly hope that Screech would haul off and beat the piss out of Zach in that episode, you don't have a soul.  But he never does.  And that's really the aggravating thing about Screech.  The guy builds a fully functional robot, and no one gives a damn.  He even gets a girlfriend, who disappears without a trace or mention after 3 episodes (I secretly believe that Violet was Screech's first sex-bot, but America wasn't ready yet, so she was destroyed for the good of humanity.) He has a legion of nerds that follow him without question, and yet he still bends the knee to the altar of Zach.  And this is just too big of a load of bullshit to take when I watch now.  Because if the revolution would have ever happened at Bayside, this guy could lead the charge and become King.  Or at the very least, he could have spent his 4 years (and 2 college years) around people who had the same interests as he did.  Because that is truly what high school was about.  Finding out what your interests were, and finding like-minded individuals.  But us stupid-ass kids are watching this guy just shut up and follow. 

His story ended when he left college in his sophomore year to return to Bayside High.  It was suggested that he took over for Belding as Principal. Not "became an engineer." Or "founded Apple."  Just "sucked ass forever." Sure, he got a sex tape, but who the hell cares?  In fact, scroll up and look at that picture again and try not to tell yourself that those girls are his high school students.  Yeah, and you wonder why I was hate-dumping...

Kelly Kapowski 

Oh man.  Just placing that picture of Kelly in brings back memories.  Kelly was my first crush. Kelly set the standard for me back in middle school and early high school.  And she had it all.  She was the head cheerleader, Prom Queen, volleyball captain, swim team captain, and softball team captain.  She was a good student, but not too good.  She spent some time in detention.  And she was the love interest of Zach Morris. 

But dammit, under the surface were some real issues.  First off, she was obsessed with body image.  And not in the "after-school" special way where we learn that everyone is beautiful, but the "I probably have a disorder" way.  Remember the issue where she has the ONE pimple?  One. Goddamned. Pimple. And she flips out.  Because life is clearly over.  Look, my face was a large pepperoni pizza for 2 years in high school.  It happens.  Get over it.  Also, Zach was the most popular kid in the history of high schools.  The guy could walk on water.  And he wasn't enough for Kelly.  Yeah, she falls for her manager at The Max and dumps Zach (because the manager of a fast food joint that serves only high school kids is husband material).  It crushed me, ok?  I immediately responded by flipping the bird to every girl in my class and experimenting with hard drugs, because why not at that point?  It was clear that women were evil.  But of course, this is Kelly "I get everything I want" Kapowski, so she eventually gets Zach back, and they go to the same community college.  She even gets married to Zach, and they presumably live happily ever after.  Or until she walks into a McDonalds by herself and falls for the shift leader. 

"I can't help it. He makes $8 an hour."

A.C. Slater

Now we are cooking with gas.  Just look at this guy.  The role of A.C. Slater was also originally meant for a white guy, but I'm assuming that the writers were still coming down off their coke high and immediately realized that at some point it would become evident that they needed one character to be able to speak broken Spanish to dishwashers in Malibu (no punchline here, that's seriously what happened), and it couldn't be some fucking cracker.  But they were careful to keep A.C. as white as possible, so everything was good. 

A.C. was an Army brat, transferring from place to place until he finally landed at Bayside.  He immediately became the school's sports star in football and wrestling.  He also battled with Zach for the heart of Kelly, until he lost and settled for the tall, loud one.  He was a stud in sports and a dumbass in the classroom.  And of course he coined the nickname "Preppy" for Zach which got under my skin even as a kid.  I couldn't hear that every day without maybe tainting his piss sample before the big game with horse steroids.  Who is the Preppy now, Ass Clown?  But "Saved By the Bell" steered far clear of the one truth about A.C. that everyone seemed to know except him.  A.C. was into dudes.  And that's cool, but kinda sad that he never gets it.  We all knew, and we didn't care.  In fact, that kind of honesty would have been refreshing in this acid trip nightmare reality, but it never came to be. 

Seems little has changed.

His story ended with his going to California University and begins a relationship with another female student that seems to be lacking any real emotion.  It's just there because its expected.  He makes a few guest appearances here and there, but little is told about where he ended up.  I'm guessing its sharing an apartment with Bob Golic.  And dealing with his Daddy issues.  And hitting his head on diving boards.

 

Zach Morris

If you didn't want to be this guy, you are lying to yourself.  He was the ultimate badass.  He flunked classes (when he went to class), he dated hot women, he had money, and he was liked by everyone.  This show was telling us one thing- You will NEVER be this guy.  You can be any other character, but fuck you, you get to look on at Zach in envy like everyone else.  And I did.  It worked so well that I overlooked his many shortcomings.  I completely overlooked his objectification of women, his schemes, his douchebaggery, and the fact that he looked just a little too old for high school.  And I rooted for this asshole.  When Kelly broke his heart, I had his back.  When A.C. and Zach traded blows in the hallway, I cheered on the white guy.  And I was duped.  We all were.

He left college, got in to Yale, and went on to marry his high school sweetheart.  How can life get better?  I just have a question for Zach Morris: Why California University instead of Yale?  That makes no sense. But I have a theory.  Count how many different girls Zach dates throughout high school and college.  I stopped at 10 because fuck that guy.  But I'm assuming that you can't do that dance for as long as he did and not have a few ummm "repercussions." I'm guessing (hoping)  that during his first week at Yale, he received a call from one of his exes (probably Torrie, because she liked to party) with the news that he owed some child support.  He had 2 choices, go to Yale and into eventual bankruptcy (he's rich, but not THAT rich), or transfer to "Moron University" for pennies on the dollar and keep his ex quiet.  That or a terrible STD forced him to stay near home and his local doctors.  Kelly has the same STD, so marriage was pretty much a given.  This is how messed up Saved By the Bell has made me...it's not my fault. 

"You should do an after-school special with me!"

Here's the thing about the Zach Morris types of this world.  You see them every day.  They are the guys that sit in the same bar night after night, telling tales of the "glory days."  They are the pricks that haven't grown up, still act like their shit doesn't stink at re-unions, and cry themselves to sleep at night because the world has moved on.  But as kids, we were taught to fucking WORSHIP this guy.  Think about how much you probably hated high school.  Chances are you did because you went in with a completely different view of how it was going to be.  Like this show taught you to think.  Not one minute of this show was even close to reality.  Well, one part, the end.  And the disappointment. 

At least my high school didn't leave the best of the students in a trail of dead bodies and strip pole grease. 

Wreck It Ralph, Video Games, and I'm Officially Old Balls

  

Unless you hate television, I'm sure you've seen the previews for the new movie "Wreck It Ralph" about a video game villain who gets fed up being the villain and attempts to jump platforms to be the hero in another game.  Regardless of how good the movie actually will be, the commercials are pretty damn funny.  I laugh out loud every time the short segment featuring Ralph at a "villains anonymous" meeting runs, and I pause the television to point out how many video game villains I can name (the answer is 6, which probably means I'm not a "hardcore gamer").  The photo above is the scene I commonly pause. This movie will be getting my hard-earned money once it hits theaters, but the experience will be bittersweet.  It's forced me to accept a few things about life: 1) Video Games today suck ass,  2) This movie is aimed at my generation, and 3) Point 2 means I'm old balls now.  Let me explain:

1) Video Games Today Suck Ass

For me, this is heaven.

As someone who was born in the mid-80s, its safe to say that I grew up in the greatest years of in-home video game systems ever.  I can already hear your arguments against me, but give me a chance to make my case.  My first real memories of video game playing was with my Nintendo.  I started with a rather pathetic collection of games- 10 Yard Fight, Castlevania, Mario Bros. and Top Gun.  But then one magical day, I found the 2 games that would change my life and take up many hours of my precious youth: R.B.I. Baseball 2 and Tecmo Bowl.  Now, I'm a huge White Sox and Chicago Bears fan.  But I played with 2 teams back in those days- the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco 49ers.  Had I known that each time Canseco went yard I was basically advocating for pill-popping, I might have been less excited.  But I was 7, so fuck you.  And who could stop Jerry Rice?  No one, that's who.  But eventually, I got a little older, and my expectations in what a video game should be went higher.  I "graduated" to the Sega Genesis.  And life just got more awesome.  Seriously, go play Sonic: The Hedgehog and try not to smile.  What about NFL '95 and the ability to talk trash?  Yeah, that was awesome.  Who needs friends when you can smash the "B" button and talk shit to Brett Favre as he tries to get up after suffering his 8th sack in the 1st Quarter? This guy.  Sure, I had my brother, but he quickly grew tired of my shouting at the television, breaking controllers (seriously, I went through at least 8), and victory dances after hours of struggling to defeat each stage of Mortal Kombat.  This was life, and I was living it, one hour at a time. 

Of course, there were always those who had the newest systems.  There are a few memories that stick out in my mind from growing up where each moment was remembered in full clarity- riding a bike for the first time, sneaking out for the first time, my first crush, and the first time I played a Sony Playstation.  My cousin, Matt, had one, and I remember my excitement as we placed the NFL Gameday cd into the tray and waited 20 minutes for that damn game to load.  Now, I get pissed after waiting for 3 minutes for my PS3 to load, but back then, it was entertaining to watch the load screen.  I distinctly remember Nascar '98.  We would load the 2 player race with a full field, then one of us would turn our car around, drive headfirst into the field of cars, and let the mayhem ensue.  To this day, I can't hear Molly Hatchet's "Flirting with Disaster" without the memories flooding back (a song on that game's soundtrack).  At some point, I finally got my own Playstation, but nothing ever came close to those nights chugging Mountain Dew and wrecking into Jeff Gordon, because Jeff Gordon is a dbag who is too pretty for Nascar.  Maybe flipping his car 5 times in one race will knock his ass down a peg.  

Fuck. This. Guy.

And I'm breezing over the Super Mario Kart tournaments, but you get my point.  Today we have the advent of on-line gaming.  And on-line gaming is fun, no doubt.  But then the game ends, you take off your headset, and realize that you're alone and life sucks.  You aren't sitting with friends in the same room.  You're sitting in your underwear eating cheetos, getting fatter, and pretending that these are your friends.  And you're 25 and still playing these games.  Seriously, how many 12-14 year olds are really spending hours online playing WOW?  Not many.  They are too busy with their real-life friends.  Sure, there are incredible graphics, but the amount of games that I can play over and over with the same amount of enjoyment has dwindled to about 3 games.  My video game playing has become a masturbatory practice of yelling at Madden or MLB The Show and then making some managerial moves to increase the value of my team and then turning on CNN to see if the world has ended yet.  It's just not the same, but Wreck It Ralph represents a time when video games were the shit, and we were actually and truly blown away with each game we played.  Except "Bible Adventures."  If you owned that game, you got your ass kicked on principle.

2 (and 3) ) This Movie is Aimed At My Generation

But this movie drives home a fact of life that I'm not quite ready to face yet- I'm old.  How do I know this? Because the "inside jokes" that this movie contains are meant for me and those who grew up in my generation.  Dammit.  This can only mean one thing- the people making this movie are aiming the story and the animation at my CHILDREN but are inserting jokes that I will get that so that I also enjoy the movie.  It's what got out parents through Shrek, Toy Story, and every other PIXAR-esque film we made them take us to.  So watching the commercials (and eventually this movie) will be bittersweet for me.  I will laugh at the references, because I'm meant to get them, but in doing so, the last pieces of my childhood will be gone.  I will open my eyes to see the 4 and 5 year olds that have no idea what is so funny, but those pretty colors are crack for their stupid little minds.  How can I leave the theater and even pretend that I'm not much closer to death than these little bastards?  Call it a quarter-life crisis if you must, but if it hasn't happened to you yet, it will.  You're in that crappy middle of "young enough to get away with being a dumbass" and "too old to be accepted at the bars after midnight."  You're the man/woman who can be at the bars technically, but you're a creepass if you aren't with a high school reunion group or a bachelor/bachelorette party.  And if this doesn't drive my point home, then try this little experiment.  Go talk to someone younger than 23 at the bar.  See how long you can go without saying something about "real estate," giving advice by saying "learn from my mistakes," yawning, or shaking your head at some idiot and saying "how embarrassing."   Because I made fun of people like you when I was 22.  I pointed and laughed and made jokes about the "old balls" in the bar trying to take home a young, unsuspecting moron.  And to be fair, you have your own bar now.  The one without the "Golden Tee" in the corner, Kesha playing on the sound system, and little to no arguments or fights by the patrons.  It's that "quiet" bar that you realize you now enjoy more than that damn dance club.  Yep, welcome to Suckville.  Population: you.   

"You into Melrose Place?"

Not that getting old doesn't have its own brand of awesomeness.  But it requires leaving behind some of the things that you once thought were cool, like trying to be cool and embracing your inner nerd.  Mine will be hanging out with me in the theater, laughing his ass off at childhood video game references, and weeping inside for the youth that is gone.